Which you knew, because last year, at this same time, I turned thirty--a very big deal. Quite over-documented. But for reasons.
I told myself this was going to be the year of grace, and now I am being forced to put that into practice. Repeatedly. I have been riding hard and fast waves in 2015--rise and fall and rise and fall--for not a lot of good purpose, though that doesn't make it less real. Something is changing in me, I think.
And probably that doesn't have much to do with turning 31, or it has everything to do with turning 31. It has nothing or everything to do with trying to let go of younger identities, trying to behave like a true grown-up, trying to sort out philosophies bigger than what can fit inside a day's thoughts. Up until 30, I was of a "move forward" mind. This was good and right, and the struggle was only trying not to move through it all too quickly.
But, oh. I'm [almost] 31. Suddenly that's old enough to remember an awful lot with only fondness. Where are angst and navel-gazing when I need them anyway? Now I'm like a cartoon with my head back and forth violently, everything in the middle totally blurred. Maybe that's where the bumpy tide came from.
I think there's a lesson we miss in grace sometimes. We know that grace covers a multitude of wrongs. Grace creates community. Grace exudes love. Grace commands, "Dust yourself off and try again," maybe with a less Aaliyah attitude than that. But grace also instructs us to seize the moment. We aren't called to live in grace when it's convenient or once we've stored enough of it up to dole out proportionally or certainly not selectively.
To be gracious and graceful is a mindset and a way of being, and so its essence should be about us all the time. Even now. This second. And this one. That's how you don't skip any opportunity. That's why a life lived in grace is a full life, because nothing is being missed.
I imagine I will have many more moments like this one. I imagine the years get shockingly faster from here on out. But I hope I still have enough growing up to do that it starts to feel right to be here, just as I am, living all the parts of this very moment without looking forward or backward.