You're not 45 yet.
Well, I'm super excited to write this one today, because it is now officially six days before I pack into a U-Haul with my husband and two toddlers and move to Brooklyn. And though it's been a very calculated decision and there have been grown-up matters to discuss, there's still this exciting element of suddenness to it. It's been a whirlwind, guys! We are here and in a week we are going to be there.
I think one of the reasons I loved imagining being 30 when I was younger was that it seemed very adult. Like once 30 was reached, I'd feel established and mature. Then the closer I got to 30, the scarier that thought became. Partly, I was getting the sense that maybe I didn't want to let go of youth. And also, I was nowhere close to that picture I had in my head--I was worried I wasn't going to make it to where I was supposed to be.
I'm sure everyone has an "adult picture" in their heads. In fact, I know we all do because we're all sitting around talking about the tangible steps we're taking to get there. And I'd be sitting there too, listening to these conversations thinking, "I'm just treading water here!" Was I doing that because I wanted to slow things down or because I just had no other choice but to wait? I don't know. Probably a little of both.
It's been lately that I realize how incredibly young 30 is. We have so much ahead of us still, and I'm glad that I recognize that so that I can enjoy it. The twenties have graced me, thank God, with the wisdom of presentness. Maybe 30 doesn't have it all together like I imagined it might; but what does it have instead? Why it still screams of youth! And if I don't have that I thought I'd have by now, well, that's something that I still get to look forward to! Looking forward to things means I don't have to worry about living the same mundane life from now until I die. We're going to keep growing, keep building.
I used to think that I would find the most satisfaction in imagining a goal and then seeing it come to fruition. I won't lie; I still take pleasure in that. But I'm learning to also love that life is mostly out of our control. That's terrifying and sometimes so frustrating; but it's also scintillating! There could be any number of surprises waiting for you just around the corner. I love that, right now, I'm still young enough to be surprised and be able to move quickly into something new. Sure, we were bedding down some roots here; but they weren't impossible for us to untangle. They didn't immobilize us. And so off we go on an adventure!
Eventually, I suppose there's a point in life, especially with kids, where the rooting will become more inevitable and more necessary. But we are young. We don't have to be there yet if we don't want to. I assigned a new arbitrary number to when that happens, and I guess it's 45. I'm not 45 yet. Hopefully, when I am 45, I'll be changing my tune again and singing praises still unto the surprises of life. And as for the surprises leading up to 30, they just keep getting bigger and better.