Oh, I don’t know, six months ago? Was that when it was that I decided to come back to blogging? (To be clear, I could actually go back in my archives and look up that post, but I’m about to write about my indecisiveness, so it feels better to begin with a little uncertainty. Let’s just not know.)
And I felt like the reasons I wanted to start blogging again were because I missed the exercise—the creating content, sure, but also the sharing. Writing is the thing I keep coming back to, but sometimes it can be pretty difficult to share writing. Getting published isn’t such an easy thing, and I have ridden a roller coaster of publishing ups and downs the last two or three years. But in blogging, well, publishing is easy. I literally write something and then hit “publish.” It’s super satisfying.
Except the internet isn’t as satisfactory as it once was, and I find I have a tough time reigniting my relationship with it now that it’s changed. It’s like trying to rekindle a relationship with an old friend, but you find that you’re both so different that the Friendship 2.0 feels a little forced. You keep trying in the name of history and grace, but it’s always a little off. I guess that’s what blogging is like now—a little off.
I talked to one of my best Brooklyn friends the other day. I mean, like we actually talked on the phone for over an hour, and remember when you used to do that all the time? We caught up on life for all of five minutes before we were engrossed in much deeper conversation, our thoughts and questions about the really important stuff. I could live there, in the depths. Tell me what you think and how you feel, even before you have it figured out. I want to think about it with you.
Social media came up, and we talked about our reasons for using it. It’s fun to see pictures of old friends; it’s inspiring to see what creative people are up to; and I’m as guilty as the next basic out there for shopping directly from an Instagram ad. We talked about the dark side of it, too—how it’s so hard to not feel jealous or just bad sometimes.
Sometimes I don’t just feel bad about what I see, I feel bad about what I share; and that’s funny, because back in the olden days of blogging, you could have easily classified me as an oversharer. I struggled with it then, especially when it came to my kids; but it was such a sense of community for me, at a time when I really needed it. Denver was lonely for me in those days. Blogging made it less so.
Whenever I couldn’t sort through those emotions or draw lines around the feelings about blogging, I fell back on writing. “Oh, I need to keep a blog because I’m a writer.” What does what I had for dinner last night have to do with what I’m writing? Sometimes nothing. Sometimes everything. I fell into a spiral of trying to figure out which was which, and then oversharing became overthinking. I couldn’t post anything on my blog, on Instagram, without being consumed with what the reaction would be and if I was doing something right or wrong.
When we left New York, I turned inward. I had to. I’m starting to flip some of that inside out, and I’m starting to find ways to talk about how that felt and what I learned from it. As that part of me wakes up again, I want to share it. Also, in this same time period, my husband started a digital agency. And I was writing for some online magazines. And then we took off traveling the world, and people wanted to hear about that. We were thrust back on to the internet, and this time, there was a little necessity in it. I mean, that’s just where a lot of work and information happens these days, especially when you’re in our industries. That’s both exciting and frustrating.
This is a lot of babble about something I haven’t mastered yet—but like I told you, I live there. I want to think about it with you. Right now, I find myself in two places, and I’m going to be a little blunt about it.
Yeah, I want to capitalize on what the internet can do for our careers. I want to build brands with Trevor and show that we are capable of that. I want to create a platform to say things sometimes, so that, maybe someday, someone with more power than a blog’s “publish” button will say, “Yeah, let’s put that out there.” Does it drive me nuts that these paths of success lean heavily on how many people follow our various online accounts? Sure. But I’m not going to get anywhere fighting it. So how do you surrender to it with balance? (And without being annoying, because that is definitely a thing about the internet now.)
Sometimes, I still just want to share something I’m thinking about; or sometimes, just even something really nice. Like that video up there. Last Saturday was such a Denver-y day, and isn’t it so fun to have a day date with your guy and explore your old haunts and do all the things? It was such a good day, and I wanted to make a little movie to commemorate that. I missed making videos. Isn’t that fine? And is it okay that the lines between one and two are pretty blurry?
This is kind of like that time when I wrote about if there wasn’t any internet, except that was pretty and polished for you, and this is more like what it actually looks like in my brain, looping from one thought to the next, and essentially arguing with myself. Here it is, if you feel like thinking about it with me.
If that’s not why you’re here, that’s okay, too. I hope you like my video.
Music by Lobo Loco via Free Music Archive.