Living

Look, I have miserable days too. That is the nature of life.

Yesterday, I woke up with a smiling baby in my face and foggy, misty mountains out my window (we all know this is my favorite thing), and somehow the morning still fell apart. That smiling baby sometimes screams. My perfectly darling toddler is sometimes not. Sometimes I get mad at my hair or I spill my coffee or Roscoe is on my last nerve. Just when you think you've potty-trained, you're cleaning poop up off the floor--right in front of the toilet.

There are even days with far greater troubles. I've worried about the future. I've stressed over finances. I've lost loved ones. I've questioned all the elements I assumed were holding me together as a person.

You know, this is our human experience. And those sorts of days can really get me down like anyone else. They seem to pop up in waves and it's like life is just unbearable for a minute. I'm a firm believer in wallowing if need be, so you do. You sulk and you pout and you yell at God or however else you like to burn off your anger. Then that's that and life moves on. It always does.

I think "life seems too perfect" is a really unfair accusation. We are all humans together and so let's just assume that we are all having bad days now and again. But we are all humans together and so we are all making choices about what will effect our attitudes, what will consume our attention, what we allow to reside in the corners of our minds. 

This is a lesson I've only learned through growing older. Before, I just assumed that if I was doing everything right, then everything would look and feel right--to me and to everyone else. So when I hit that life space where nothing was as I envisioned, my natural conclusion was that it was wrong. It made me sad. It made me overly analytical. It made me tired. (Self-inflicted depression takes a lot of energy.) And I felt the need to express this to the world because life was oh-so-dreadful and it was time to discuss what to do after we'd messed everything up (you know, at the ripe age of 23). 

Things aren't messed up. 

Mornings are new.

Do you know how to use new mornings? You make the choice to make it better. 

Guess what. Maybe it won't be. I willed yesterday morning to be better, and it was still stupid. 

So I chose to make today better. Stay tuned.

And I've come to this place where these are the things I want to remember, so they are the things I want to share. When I look back on my life, like everyone else everywhere, I can just assume that there were hard periods, times where nothing seemed right. But I'd rather pay homage to what I did with those experiences by recording the beautiful and good pieces, by sharing the lessons learned, and by keeping those tough parts in perspective. They are only small pieces of the whole.

In an overly philosophical vein, I suppose it makes sense to compare life to an ocean. Because of course it's cliche, as many metaphors are, but our life experiences do ebb and flow. They are calm and they are stormy; they are deep and they are shallow; they are in and they are out; and sometimes they are full of life or quieter than any other place on earth. But when you step back and take it all in, it really is a breathtaking thing, isn't it? That's how I want to see my life when I'm in it, it's how I want to remember my life at the end, and it's how I hope I convey my life to others. 

Never perfect, never wrong, just living.